Kudos!

Assalamualaikum...

Alhamdulillah, today even-though not much thing happened around me, I always believe that something special is happening somewhere. Kudos to my brother and sister in law. Great news on New Year. They are having another offspring!! =)

I'm happy for them. As a Muslim and kind people, we should be happy listening to such good news. But somehow, deep inside me, there's a little bit melancholy feeling. OO! Don’t get me wrong! It’s not that I am jealous and wish that they don’t have babies. I would love to hug all my nephews and nieces now and forever. =)

I always think that Allah have not allowed me to have baby yet with few reason.

First, I'm not a good daughter

I always feel that I hurt my parents a lot with my childish approach. There are times when you want to be alone and you just didn’t want to speak to anyone even to your own mom. You put all the blame on them just to make yourself feel better. Like, “Ooo, if they did that, I might not end up like this”. Deep inside, you yourself knew that it was all just a way to soothe your feeling. Thinking about those and all troubles that I give to my parents especially my mom, I had a thought that Allah would not give me any baby until I understand how to treat my mother best! I remember this saying, “If you treat your mom badly then your children will do the same to you”. Then, how could I be a respectable mother to my children when I couldn’t be a decent daughter to my mom? Maybe Allah is postponing the razqi (baby) to give some times for me to understand my mom and to give all my best so that one day, I can tell my daughter, “Be good to your mother”.

Second, can I be a perfect mother?

Looking at other people’s children, I always had ‘this and that’ thought. If I were to have baby, “I will do this”..”I would not let my baby” ….bla bla bla..as seems as it is easy to educate them. Spending some times with my nephew and nieces when her mother was away, I could lose my patient too. Seriously, it’s not easy to handle kids. That makes me wonder, can I handle my children flawlessly? Scold them in a right way, teach them the values and make sure they can be bright, smart and beautiful kids who then grow up as useful people. THAT IS A TOUGH JOB! I keep thinking what kind of mother would I be? A soft spoken? Huhu, I don’t think so. A strict one maybe? Which one is better? Could you determine or it would just naturally be there when you become a mother. Having all these feelings make me questioning myself, “Am I ready to be a mother?”, “Are all mothers out there ready?” or “Will you naturally ready once you are pregnant?”.

Whatever reason that I gave, the truth is Allah know better. And there will always hikmah in the postponement. May Allah grant all Muslim in the world beautiful children with beautiful heart who embracing Islam as their way of lives.