Kudos!

Assalamualaikum...

Alhamdulillah, today even-though not much thing happened around me, I always believe that something special is happening somewhere. Kudos to my brother and sister in law. Great news on New Year. They are having another offspring!! =)

I'm happy for them. As a Muslim and kind people, we should be happy listening to such good news. But somehow, deep inside me, there's a little bit melancholy feeling. OO! Don’t get me wrong! It’s not that I am jealous and wish that they don’t have babies. I would love to hug all my nephews and nieces now and forever. =)

I always think that Allah have not allowed me to have baby yet with few reason.

First, I'm not a good daughter

I always feel that I hurt my parents a lot with my childish approach. There are times when you want to be alone and you just didn’t want to speak to anyone even to your own mom. You put all the blame on them just to make yourself feel better. Like, “Ooo, if they did that, I might not end up like this”. Deep inside, you yourself knew that it was all just a way to soothe your feeling. Thinking about those and all troubles that I give to my parents especially my mom, I had a thought that Allah would not give me any baby until I understand how to treat my mother best! I remember this saying, “If you treat your mom badly then your children will do the same to you”. Then, how could I be a respectable mother to my children when I couldn’t be a decent daughter to my mom? Maybe Allah is postponing the razqi (baby) to give some times for me to understand my mom and to give all my best so that one day, I can tell my daughter, “Be good to your mother”.

Second, can I be a perfect mother?

Looking at other people’s children, I always had ‘this and that’ thought. If I were to have baby, “I will do this”..”I would not let my baby” ….bla bla bla..as seems as it is easy to educate them. Spending some times with my nephew and nieces when her mother was away, I could lose my patient too. Seriously, it’s not easy to handle kids. That makes me wonder, can I handle my children flawlessly? Scold them in a right way, teach them the values and make sure they can be bright, smart and beautiful kids who then grow up as useful people. THAT IS A TOUGH JOB! I keep thinking what kind of mother would I be? A soft spoken? Huhu, I don’t think so. A strict one maybe? Which one is better? Could you determine or it would just naturally be there when you become a mother. Having all these feelings make me questioning myself, “Am I ready to be a mother?”, “Are all mothers out there ready?” or “Will you naturally ready once you are pregnant?”.

Whatever reason that I gave, the truth is Allah know better. And there will always hikmah in the postponement. May Allah grant all Muslim in the world beautiful children with beautiful heart who embracing Islam as their way of lives.

My wish list #4

Assalamualaikum...

I'm so sleepy but need to jot down something somehow as learning process takes daily action. One of my wishlist this year is to improvise my English language skills especially in speaking. I want to be an adroit English speaker. 

There are few things I need to do....Checklist as below:-

• do lots of reading and listening
• understanding vocabulary by using context and visual memory
• speak!!!! if there is no one that you can speak to. Speak to yourself!

DONE! See u tomorrow. huhu. 

Let her go

By Passenger

Hey, you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go…

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

but, you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

When you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

Cause you love her so much and you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know u’ve been high when you feeling low

Only hate the road when you missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go….

And you let her go..

Well, you let her go..

Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go…

The road i had taken

Assalamualaikum and a every good evening..

Yeah..I’ve to force myself writing the blog.  New year, new beginning. And one of my wish lists in this 2016 is to start writing a blog again. I have a blog before and have shared a lot of thought there. But somehow, after few years, the blog was left unwritten. It seems like I had no idea at all. But the truth is, I love to share those that relate to my experience, my life and my personal point of view. However, went through ‘dark times’  sometimes ago, I preferred to keep everything shut deeply inside me. And they ate me bit by bit...

I lost myself. It was a world where there were so many people around you, but nobody seemed to see you. Somehow, I favored it that way since all that I had that moment was a massive, weighty stone on my head. The day went with no laughter because you were afraid that you might end the day with lots and lots of tear…I lost my voice. I used to have my own stand. My own opinion. My own judgment. My own decision. But, being put in such situation where everything that you did was wrong, you just so confused what you should do next. It was senseless thinking of how I let someone killed me and took away all my bright and delightful day.

Alhamdulillah, Allah is always there. Listening to my grievance. Listening to my dua’. Guide me to the right path. Thinking of those moments, I believe that Allah has strengthened me and definitely up until now. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.And the best medicine that could cure the broken heart was to think positively that whatever Allah gives even though it was so hard, so miserable but there will always good reason coming with it. Allah will replace and ending it stunningly. Today, I’m happy with my life. I’m glad I had taken the decision. I’m pleased that I don’t wait even a second when I knew it was time to move on.

It’s 10pm already? Seriously? I just get into my otherworldly magical. Argh…time to sleep. The best gift from Allah. Good sleep. Hee.. =)

One entry is done. 2016, I’m not going to give up easily.

Good night everyone. Assalamualaikum.